You Can Be a Dom Without Being a Misogynist

Content Warning: Vulgar language related to female genitalia, rape, gay slurs

Recently, due mainly in part to being in a healthy, sex-positive relationship with the man I have loved for nearly three years, I have discovered my role in the gay BDSM community. I am a Dom and my boyfriend is a sub. Engaging in this kink together provides us both with a lot of fulfillment and pleasure and I am happy that I’ve discovered a new side of my sexuality in a safe, non-judgmental relationship. However, upon looking over the reading materials you receive after you sign your Sexual Deviant Club™ membership card (read: I follow a lot of BDSM blogs on Tumblr) I noticed something extremely disheartening: the gay BDSM community (and the gay community in general) is rife with misogyny and has normalized the use of language that is negatively coded by the patriarchy. This is not okay.

The majority of Dom bloggers (seemingly a microcosm for the community at large) refer to subs and/or bottoms (the passive, receiving partner in a gay, sexual relationship) as “whores,” “sluts,” and “bitches,” three words that have been used in a derogatory manner towards women for decades. The sub’s penis is demoted to a “clit” or a “boi-clit,” his ass becomes a “cunt,” “pussy,” or “boipussy” (sometimes shortened to the cringe-inducing diminutive “bussy”). When a Dom, or Alpha (another word coded by the patriarchy) ejaculates inside of a sub, he is “breeding” or “impregnating” him. Don’t believe me? Here is a short list of blog titles that I’ve encountered over time: boiwombimpregnator, fagfatality, alphamalesuperiority, and domtop-4fagslave. This language is absolutely vile and is used solely to send the following message: anything that is considered to be lesser should be feminized because feminine = bad. Anything that becomes feminized is immediately converted into property for the Dom, something that is meant to be “owned,” “used,” or “abused.”

Without a doubt, this behavior is rooted in the performance of masculinity as well as homophobia. According to Kimmel (2005) “we experience our sexual selves through a gendered prism, and the rules of masculinity and femininity are strictly enforced.” He continues, “Difference equals power. The difference between male and female sexuality reproduces men’s power over women, and simultaneously the power of some men over other men” (in this context, the Dom’s perceived power over the sub). Kimmel (2005) also asserts that “homophobia links gender nonconformity to homosexuality.” Taking these two things notions into account, let’s break down this toxic behavior. First, the Dom feminizes and emasculates the sub through violent and derogatory language, a purposeful and calculated behavior that allows the Dom to reaffirm his own manliness. This assures the Dom that he is not a “sissy” and grants him a sense of entitlement over the sub – after all, the sub’s “bussy” immediately becomes property of the Dom once he enters the bedroom. Right? Wrong. In the minds of these Doms, being a sub is a gender non-conforming act (read: it isn't "manly") and thus deserves punishment.

For all of you who will say that using this kind of language is “just part of the kink,” you need to check yourself at the door. There are other ways to assert dominance over a sexual partner without emasculating them, feminizing them, or taking away their sense of agency over their own body (read: body language, eye contact, and tone of voice comprise about 99% of dominance). There is a line between being dominant and being abusive. There is a line between being a good Dom and a bad Dom. I found this video entitled "How to be a good dom," which I thought was fantastic until the dude used the word "bussy." Sigh. Clearly, there is still a lot of work to be done, even amongst those who consider themselves to be "good Doms." Human beings are not property. I don’t care if the sub consents to this behavior, or even if they tell the Dom that degrading language turns them on. This kind of behavior is violent. According to Kearl (2015) the use of language to make others feel lesser exists on the same spectrum of (gendered) violence as rape and assault. The normalization of degradation (emotional abuse) can rapidly escalate into the normalization of (physical) abuse (looking at you, Fifty Shades of Grey). Although Kearl's (2015) book is focused on street harassment, this line of reasoning still holds true in this context.

While I realize that this behavior is mostly confined to the bedroom between two (hopefully) consenting adults, it’s still problematic and damaging, especially for a young, inexperienced sub who is at risk of internalizing a Dom’s words outside of the bedroom. We don’t need any more men (gay, straight, or anywhere in between) who think it’s okay to hate women and use this kind of language. Stop spreading the message that anything that is feminine is lesser. Stop being toxic.You can be a Dom without being a misogynist.    

Works Cited

Kearl, H. (2015). Stop Global Street Harassment: Growing Activism Around the World. Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger.

Kimmel, M. (2005). Men, Masculinity, and the Rape Culture. In E. Buchwald, P. R. Fletcher, & M. Roth (Eds.) Transforming Rape Culture (140-157). Minneapolis, MN: Milkweed Editions.